This past weekend, Zombieland was released and became the #1 Movie in America. It also was the 185th zombie film to open this year (if you also count indie musicals, YouTube videos and flash mobs). Zombieland stars Woody Harrelson, who you might remember from Cheers, Kingpin or your last bong party. It also stars Jesse Eisenberg, who you might remember earlier this year starring in Adventureland with the Twilight chick and Deadpool.

Wait a sec. Zombieland? Adventureland? We’re sensing a pattern here. So not only does Jesse Eisenberg only star in films that Michael Cera can’t do, now he only stars in films that have “land” in the title. What a diva! So I’ve come up with more movies based on lands that Jesse Eisenberg should add to his resume. 13 to be exact. Why 13? Cause I like PRIME NUMBERS! IT’S A PRIME LIST!

TALKBACK: What other “Lands” should Jesse Eisenberg conquer?

1. DISNEYLAND

In this sports drama, Jesse Eisenberg plays quarterback Eli Manning of the New York Giants, who throws the ball that contributes to the game-winning touchdown of Super Bowl XLII. Then he reveals, when asked, that Disneyland is where he will be, quote, “going to.” The movie will air on ABC Family, right after Lindsay Lohan in Labor Pains.

2. McDONALDLAND

Same plot as Zombieland, except Woody Harrelson is The Hamburglar and Jesse Eisenberg is Ronald McDonald. Jesse fights off evil Fry Guys and Grimaces while having romantic feelings for Emma Stone, who plays Birdie the Early Bird. And [INSERT ZOMBIELAND SPOILER CAMEO HERE] makes an awesome cameo as Mayor McCheese.

3. CANDY LAND

There’s already a deal to make a big-screen version of this classic board game, so we’re sure Jesse’s agent is already on it.

4. COP LAND

This should be an easy film to do since Sylvester Stallone is all about remaking his past movies. That’s if he’s not already working on a new version of Cliffhanger, Over the Top, or Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

5. VIDEOLAND

Same plot as Adventureland. Jesse Eisenberg stars as Captain N: The Game Master from the Saturday Morning Cartoon/Nintendo Product Placement series of the same name. He will have feelings for Kristen Stewart, playing Princess Lana. But she will be secretly dating Ryan Reynolds, who is playing Simon Belmont. Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig will also star, as Mega Man and Kid Icarus respectively.

6. WACKYLAND

Jesse is Porky Pig, traveling to Wackyland in search of the last DoDo (played by Abigail Breslin in the role that will earn her a second Oscar nomination). Just like the classic cartoon, he will travel past Dark Africa and Darker Africa to Darkest Africa. Ah, racism was so cute in 1938.

7. SUPER MARIO LAND 2

Jesse Eisenberg is Mario and travels to a world totally in black and white (or black and pea soup green depending on your model of Game Boy). Playing Mario’s evil doppelganger Wario will obviously be Michael Cera. It makes perfect sense. Plus, he’ll do anything after Year One.

8. THE LAND BEFORE TIME

Jesse Eisenberg goes back to the Jurassic period to take care of Little Foot after the poor longneck’s parents died. Jesse will then be set for life, since the movie will clearly have endless direct-to-DVD sequels.

9. LAND OF THE LOST

What? What do you mean there’s a movie version of this already? Well, when did it come out? THIS SUMMER??? As in Summer 2009? HA HA HA, you’re kidding me! That’s a good one. Let me think. Wolverine, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past… nope, no Land of the Lost. Stop making things up. You stupid.

10. PAC-LAND

Jesse Eisenberg is Pac-Man living in Pac-Land, eating little yellow pellets and thinking he has super powers and that he can see ghosts… wait, nah. Zombieland co-star Woody Harrelson is more suited for this pill-popping adventure. Or Paula Abdul. ZING!

11. TV LAND

Jesse Eisenberg will star as a TV network that used to show great retro sitcoms and classic dramas, but now makes lame reality shows for baby boomers. The Cougar, anyone?

12. NEVERLAND

Jesse Eisenberg would be the perfect Peter Pan, and Kristen Stewart would definitely have to be Wendy. She’s used to flying. She’s already done it with glittery vampires. And since it’s Disney and features pirates, Johnny Depp is obligated to be Captain Hook. Unless he’s still grieving over Dick Cook being ousted.

13. NEVERLAND RANCH

Too soon.

Now it’s you turn. What “Lands” did we miss? And congrats to Jesse Eisenberg’s career. Also, congrats to his hair. I haven’t seen an awesome Jew-fro like that since Billy in Gremlins.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 6th, 2009 at 12:00 am by Andre BlackNerd and is filed under LISTS/PRIME LISTS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.