Heroes is back, baby! And it ain’t playin’ games this time, people! It’s kickin’ @$$ and takin’ names! After a… well, bumpy… Season 2 to say the least, slowness did not play a factor with this 2-part premiere.

Well, 3 part if you count the countdown party brought to you by Sprint, Universal Studios, Heroes on DVD and Blu-Ray, NBC.com, MySpace, Coca-Cola, eHarmony, Slim Jim, American Airlines, Slurm… ok, you get the hint. It was a big commercial.

And now, it’s time for the official Black Nerd play-by-play recap of this season premiere.

9:00 Not even 5 seconds into the show and there’s already a screen-blocking ad for The Biggest Loser: Families. Hey NBC, can that logo lose some weight?

9:01 Ooh, Claire’s gone goth. Is this the future or has she just started listening to All-American Rejects?

9:04 Too bad the hospital’s not in Chicago, or we could’ve had a sweet ER cameo (hey, it’s the show’s last season, they should show up wherever they want!)

9:05 Oh my goodness! I actually jumped a little when Nathan woke up. Curse you, high-definition!

9:06 Watching a cartoon bear eat ice cream and use toilet paper. Don’t ask.

9:09 I wonder if Hiro & Ando ever met Sun & Jin from Lost? Sorry, was that racist?

9:12 Did this show just turn into a horror film?

9:13 Why does it sound like someone’s burping every time you see Sylar’s image?

9:14 DANIA RAMIREZ’S BOOBS! HOT DANG!

9:16 Come on, Takei, what secret do you really have? We all know your gay, dude. We’ve seen the wedding photos. Congratulations.

9:20 Texas represent! Congrats, Brea Grant, on being “The Speedster!”

9:21 Wow, now there’s two Peters! Which one has an obsession for dating 18-year-old co-stars who plays their cousin?

9:25 Why does the news insist on making up a news story to connect to their TV shows? What’ll happen on the Lost premiere? “Tonight at 11, island getaways!”

9:27 Black news reporter and crew? When did BET get a news team?

9:29 Nathan’s found God? Ha! Heroes was nothing but a thinly veiled attempt to put religion back in TV. Take that, athesists! Kirk Cameron would be pleased.

9:30 BOOBS ARE BACK! And are we foreshadowing some Maya/Mohinder sexy time?

9:31 We now return to “When a Stranger Calls 2″ already in progress.

9:33 A little off the top, okay, Sylar? Heh heh heh… hey, they can’t all be gems.

9:36 It’s Sylar! It’s Sylar and the brain brain brain brain brain! Narf!

9:39 Special, huh? What makes Hayden so freakin’ special? She was in a straight-to-DVD Bring It On sequel with Solange Knowles for goodness sake!

9:44 Linderman’s back!

9:45 NEW BOOBS! Wait… Niki??? Didn’t she burn up in New Orleans?

9:48 Sorry, Lauer! The new game is Where in the World is Matt Parkman?

9:50 Ando has future powers? And we know Mohinder’s getting some, too. Seriously, is there anyone WITHOUT super powers on this show?

9:51 Did I accidentally switch over to Independence Day?

9:52 Mohinder, drugs are bad, mmmkay?

9:54 So is Mohinder’s super power beating up stereotypical black guys?

9:56 Heroes continues… NOW! Worst. Transition. Ever.

9:59 Wow, I can’t believe they just showed a beheading on television!

10:00 The butterfly effect? Seriously! Ashton Kutcher should sue… if he’s not too busy selling digital cameras.

10:03 Looks like Mohinder also has the power… OF MAKIN’ SWEET LOVE!

10:10 How many personalities does Niki have? Or is it Niki at all? I’m going cross-eyed!

10:13 Is this Hayden’s video blog? Or the sequel of Cloverfield?

10:19 A Vegas showgirl turned politician? What’s next, writing an Oscar-winning quirky screenplay about a pregnant teenager?

10:23 Oh my God, you… didn’t kill Sylar. You… bastard?

10:24 That’s right, Sylar! YOU CAN’T KILL KRISTEN BELL, BEE-AH-CHA!

10:28 All the villains have been released! It’s like when they turned off the containment unit in Ghostbusters.

10:31 Time travel confuses me!

10:32 “I want you on my staff.” Ha ha, I bet you do, Nathan!

10:34 When the heck did Niki become an ice queen? Has she hanging around lions and wardrobes?

10:39 The Company’s firing Kristen Bell? Well, she should be used to that. She was on Veronica Mars.

10:40 I like this Speedster character. She’s like a sexy Road Runner.

10:42 Boom-chika-wow-wow. Sexy, ethnic, brown-skin love!

10:48 New black guy! Complete with shameless Universal Studios and Sprint plug-in.

10:50 Horn-Rimmed Glasses wearing father and daughter. Reunited, and it feels so good.

10:53 Claire’s mom now? Bring back everyone from Season 1, why don’t ya? Can we get Isaac and his sexy black girlfriend back while we’re at it?

10:55 Did that dude just burn an innocent woman? Heroes ain’t playin’ round no more!

10:56 WHAT??? SYLAR PETRELLI??? THIS SHOW IS SO HOT DANG SEXY!

Well, that’s it. Oh, wait. Spoiler Alert. Oops, I was supposed to write that up front, wasn’t I?

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