Hells yeah! Lost is back people, and this black nerd couldn’t be happier! Here’s a play-by-play of the LOST season 4 premiere. It’s tough to write and watch at the same time, so sorry if it don’t make much sense much…

9:00 It’s on! It’s on! Set all phones to silent… oh wait, no one calls me.

9:02 Wait, is this Lost or The Dukes of Hazzard?

9:03 It’s Hurley? I could’ve sworn it would be Sawyer. And that makes 3 of the Oceanic 6. Cue the creepy logo…

9:05 Eli Stone commercial #1. Something tells me there will be a few more of these…

9:07 Ana-Lucia reference! And seriously, a cop off to get a donut? Even the genius writers of Lost can’t rise themselves above a cheap cop stereotype.

9:10 ROSE!!! Sweet. After Michael and Walt’s leaving and Naomi and Eko’s death, Rose is the only black person left on this show.

9:12 Is it just me or is Bernard also Mike Seaver’s principal on Growing Pains?

9:14 Spoke too soon about Naomi. Maybe she’s not dead after all? Sorry, Rose, you have black Lost competition.

9:19 “I don’t trust [Ben] with anybody but me?” Ben looking on with disgust as Kate hugs Jack? Is there something between Ben and Jack they’re not telling us?

9:21 New black guy!

9:23 Ooh, new suspicious black guy! Is who still alive? I hope he’s not referring to Nikki & Paulo. They’re long gone (thanks for that one, die-hard Lost fans).

9:25 Commercial time: Seriously, was Step Up really a phenomenon? I mean, I liked Footloose but I wouldn’t call it a world-stopping event. And I’m just kidding, I didn’t like Footloose.

9:28 Eli Stone commercial #2. I’m surprised at this point they haven’t done the old “If you like LOST, you’ll LOVE Eli Stone” marketing tactic.

9:32 Naomi’s communication system is pretty nifty. Is that the new iPhone?

9:33 Oh, guess Rose is back to being the lone black islander. And who’s this mysterious sister of Naomi’s? Would Michael’s ex-wife be a stretch? Would Stretch Armstrong be a bigger stretch?

9:37 Eli Stone commercial #3. No “If you like LOST…” tactic, but an Oceanic teaser to be nestled inside the premiere. Nice way to keep those Tivo’s from skipping.

9:40 Exploiting Hurley’s feelings over the loss of Charlie to gain an ally to stay on the island? Wow, has Locke become the new Ben?

9:42 Claire, Hurley, I know you two miss Charlie and all, but for goodness sake, DON’T CRUSH THE BABY!

9:43 Speaking of the written-off-the-series-to-keep-us-watching, there’s Charlie now. We’ll miss you, buddy. You all everybody.

9:46 Aw, the gang’s all back together! It’s just like a family reunion… complete with someone getting punched in the face and almost shot with a gun.

9:50 Hey, you’ll never guess what’s coming on after LOST? Give up? It’s this show called Eli Stone. Here’s a commercial for it, in case you haven’t heard it by now. George Michael’s in it! You gotta watch now!

9:53 Aw yeah, it’s decision time! Team Jack or Team Locke? Time to make a choice, Sawyer…

9:55 And he chooses Team Locke! The most intense, predictable event of the episode.

10:02 And we’re done! New questions arise, old questions answered… oh wait, no questions were answered! Damn you, LOST! I love you even though you treat me wrong! It’s like I’m Joey and I know it makes sense to be with Dawson, but I still feel drawn to Pacey. Lost, you’re Pacey.

Now, I’ll just keep the TV onto Eli Stone and wait for the Oceanic teaser while I write this. Hey, I gotta kill some time before Family Guy reruns on Adult Swim.

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